April 30, 2013

Sailer: "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Dzhokhar"

From my new VDARE essay:
Excerpts from press coverage of the acquittal of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on April 15, 2014: 
I
Associated Press: In an expected development, confessed Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was acquitted today on each of four counts of first-degree homicide and 190 counts of aggravated assault. The jury of eleven women and one man declared him “innocent on account of cuteness.” 
II
TMZ: Juror Kendra Newton explained after the verdict, “To be honest, I kind of zoned out, you know? I was trying to pay attention so I could write a book and make a lot of money, but trials are way more boring and confusing than you’d think from TV. They should edit out all the dull parts and have a musical score that tells you how you are supposed to feel.”  
III
World Star Hip Hop: I liked when the lawyer lady said, “If you ain’t a bigot, you must acquit it.” 
IV
Boston Globe: Commenting on the verdict, Senator John McCain, a member of the bipartisan Gang of Seven immigration reform leaders, told reporters, “This just proves what I’ve always believed: We must immediately grant American citizenship to anybody in the world who wants it. And bomb everybody who doesn’t.”

Read the whole thing there.

My first panhandling drive of 2013 has been going pretty well the last three days.

First: you can make a non-tax deductible contribution to me by credit card via WePay by clicking here.

Second: you can make a tax deductible contribution to me via VDARE by clicking here.

Third: You can mail a non-tax deductible donation to:

Steve Sailer
P.O Box 4142
Valley Village, CA 91607-4142

Thanks.

19 comments:

Red Pill Theorist said...

Steve, you're a rock star man. That VDare essay was inspiring.

Anonymous said...

Haven't laugh so hard in a while!

Anonymous said...

I like it! Parodying lameness while exposing parallel Americas

Anonymous said...

I know your going to get tons of complements...

It wasn't that good, especially the Kate Middleton joke was kinda like "ok...whatever?"

The part with the lawyers though was excellent.

Uncle Peregrine said...

Steve,item II reminded me of your suggestion that rather than judges ordering jurors to forget what they had just heard in the courtroom, they should watch video tapes of the trial with any inadmissible testimony removed. This seemed like a brilliant idea, but much later I realized the problem. No juror could possibly stay awake during through the videos of most trials.

B minus said...

Steve's jokes are better in the catty dismissive mode. So far I've not seen him pull off the kind of sustained Lampoon-style piece (viz.).

Incidentally though VDare features a bunch of quality over-HTML'ed contributors your staffers present a clownish fanboy mentality that bespeaks an aversion toward leaving the house. I note the breathless post by one Patrick Cleburne re: the Drudge Report--which had feted Schlafly/Novak/Buchanan/de Borchgrave from the start--suddenly having converted to anti-amnesty (glorious day, comrades). Next he'll discover that the mysterious aggregator skews anti-Israel & pro-life & is oddly fixated on Barbra Streisand...

Anonymous said...

The really unfortunate thing for the Slave Power was the timing of this right next to their big Busby Berkeley nationwide tour. Now it's impossible for an amnesty voluptuary to go on NPR or CNN etc. without The Flinch: obligatory acknowledgement, as brusquely and dismissively as can be managed, of the documented bomb bros.--now that says something. For the next year at least "DREAM Act" will be mentally interchangeable with "Dzhoker Act," them's the breaks. There is something in my neck of the woods called "The California Endowment" [read: Blue Cross/WellPoint trust & financier of activists' 501c3's] running ads featuring putatively pitiable young Chicanos who petulantly demand free health care. It is ripe for a Youtube-remix with Chics & Abduls & Jafars aggrieved by boxing competition criteria.

Big Bill said...

"Jihada Allahuakbarova".

That is a nice touch.

A "Jane Doe" for the Chechen/Kazakh/Dagestani set.

Luke Lea said...

You have a great sense of humor but a satirist you are not.

Ex Submarine Officer said...

It says apologies to Wallace Williams. How about Hokusai?

Actually, maybe that is more appropriate for the recent (and excellent) posts on your blog, in aggregate the work could possibly be 36 Views Of Chechnya?

Londoner said...

Perhaps a Bushette would be a more plausible/funnier prospective Mrs Tsarnaeva?

And Lindsay Graham = Lady GraGra, surely.

Dutch Boy said...

Maybe they could just recycle the OJ jury?

Anonymous said...

Appropriate that you end with the moment of seriousness about Richard family. The father, the poor bastard, had his young son blasted apart, his little girl's leg blown off and his wife head injured and brain damaged.

The One Fund here in Boston has raised upwards of $30 million (Ken Feinberg, a Brockton MA native, will be divvying it up). I've got to think that the Richards will be in line for a good chunk of it, but this poor guy has a tough row to hoe in front of him.

Modern Abraham said...

I concur- a bit of a miss for me. A work buddy I used to IM with throughout the day had a finally graduated system for the effectiveness of my jokes:

LOL > HA HA > HA > HEH > MEH

This was a "MEH".

Incidentally, what about Dzhokhar/Joker's appeal to the comic book-loving chin-beard set? His name is an authentic, non-contrived variation on what is probably today's "coolest" super villain. And his real-life exploits are probably the closest you can get to true super villainy. For some reason I see Kevin Smith jostling to the front of that crowd in front of the Boston Federal courthouse, knocking dozens of tweens to the ground so that he can chuck a tent-sized pair of boxers at Joker's feet. This visually-disturbing transmission is now concluded.

Corn said...

Hehe.

Anonymous said...

I lost it at "Cotillion of One."

dsgntd_plyr said...

"I was trying to pay attention so I could write a book and make a lot of money, but trials are way more boring and confusing than you’d think from TV. They should edit out all the dull parts and have a musical score that tells you how you are supposed to feel.”

I actually once read a serious essay from an economist (Tyler Cowen? Bryan Caplan? It was a libertarian) saying we should do just that because attention spans have collapsed.

Baloo said...

Steve, I used to write for NatLamp, and it's a shame it went away before you were old enough. This is prime, rich stuff, too good for our current satire outlets. I've enthusiastically linked to it here:
http://ex-army.blogspot.com/2013/05/chicks-dig-jerks.html

Dennis Dale said...

"I was trying to pay attention so I could write a book and make a lot of money, but trials are way more boring and confusing than you’d think from TV. They should edit out all the dull parts and have a musical score that tells you how you are supposed to feel.”

I actually once read a serious essay from an economist (Tyler Cowen? Bryan Caplan? It was a libertarian) saying we should do just that because attention spans have collapsed.


Cop Rock was ahead of its time.